Wanted: A Mother for Hire
Our mother is rather tired these days and we think she needs
a proper replacement while she takes a holiday.
We want someone just like our mom to fill this role, so we’re going to have specific requirements.
Please only reply in person as we aren’t allowed on the internet very often.
Please provide references upon turning in your application
Applicant absolutely must possess the following qualities:
She must be pretty to look upon and smell good.
She must be stern, but with a good balance of light-heartedness and forgiveness.
She must be creative and able to think quickly; we have many scrapes and problems needing solutions that require much creative thinking.
Able to discern the guilty party; all we know is WE DIDN’T DO IT.
She must have the ability to come up with 1001 chore systems as they tend to get old easily.
She must have a good memory. She needs to remember all of our full names + nicknames, 12 birth dates, 10 birth weights, 10 birth locations, all the details of the 10 births, her’s & dad’s social security numbers, passwords, bank account numbers, where she left the keys, where dad left the keys, who does what chores, who is in what grade, what chapter of scripture we’re in, what each child wants for Christmas, and anything else important that comes up. She is quizzed often, so she should be quick to recall.
She must have soft, slightly squishy arms. Arms strong enough to hold the baby all day, but soft enough for the young ones to hold, and knead, and squish, and pat when they feel anxious or in need of comfort.
She has to love the Lord. She must have a desire to take us to church, read scriptures with us daily, even when we don’t want to cooperate. She should know them well and quote stories and scriptures to us when we need correction or comfort and anything in between. She must do her own scripture study regularly for she must lead by example.
She should know in every incidence where to “spare the rod” & give grace to the child or give the child a punishment. (Just for the record, we never do anything wrong.)
She must have the patience of Job. She will be tugged on, asked questions, or consulted, or interrupted every 30 seconds of every hour of every day.
She must be okay with being thrown up on, spit upon, the occasional leaky diaper, being a napkin or even having the occasional toddler buggers gratefully wiped upon.
She must be okay with stretch marks and imperfections. While we don’t know much about that, we hear on rare occasions our mom worrying about how her body has aged from giving birth and carrying children. We never noticed such things. We just love her.
She must be able to tune out all the bad and annoying sounds/words. Crying babies, crying and whining toddlers, arguments, crashing dishes, etc. But, she must always have a listening ear when we need to tell her all of our problems and be quick to give us good advice.
She should be forbearing in hardship.
She should be able to endure sleepless nights regularly.
She must be a good teacher. She should have several different approaches to teaching new things. She must love teaching enough to teach us at home, but also teach us our religion, relationship skills, life skills, and everything in between.
She must be good at inspiring.
She must be the perfect shape for us to squeeze and have soft lips for kissing us generously, especially the baby. And to find ways to kiss and hug the unapproachable-at-times-teenagers.
She must be good at birthdays and holidays. She has to know what each of us likes and dislikes and willing to spend her time and energy to make each occasion special and unique.
She shouldn’t make nasty food. All the food must be nutritious, but delicious. She must have a menu that will be pleasing to all tastes, including the toddlers. She must know how much food to make for twelve people or more when we have guests.
She should easily and gracefully balance her personal needs, wants, and desires with those of the family. She is, after all, the person the family revolves around, so we need her to be there for us too.
Extra qualities are always desirable, but not necessary:
Good at economizing, interior design, fashion consultant, psychologist, energy therapist, homeopathic, herbologist, counselor, mind reader, librarian, special education specialist, doctor mom, good at finding things, professor of liberal arts, tour guide, historian, mathematician, professional chef, beautician, chauffeur, photographer, videographer, car detailer, mystery solver/sleuth, Mrs. Claus, Mistress Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, party coordinator, reader, professional cleaner, milk factory, nurse, nutritionist, nurturer, dj, wise, fortune teller, security guard, accountant, judge, jury, lawyer, story teller, good communicator, hardy, sense of humor, nanny, hard worker, crisis management, compassionate.
Payment will be rendered daily. You will receive a generous salary of room and board, hugs and kisses.
The Ten Baker Children